At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
