i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
