the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
