Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
