Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Where is the hickey?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
