I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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