I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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