I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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