when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
