Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
