Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
