with your own penis?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
