he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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