I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just gift wrapped bread.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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