We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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