Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Oh god it's open bar.
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