I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
