I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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