Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
