Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
