Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The air was thick with penises
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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