Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
