High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
