Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
