I wish I only lived at night.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
