Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
