Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
