It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
