Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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