I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Non-Jews are for practice
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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