The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.