I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
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I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
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I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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