I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
