then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
