When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
