About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
