I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Houston, we have a blender
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
