He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
