remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
