when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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