i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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