I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
