you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
