the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
