Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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