chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I love you.
Bad choice
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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