My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
