Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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