Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
