Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
