She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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