When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
