I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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