Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
