bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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