A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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