i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
True strength comes from lack of pants
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
