I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
