you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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